Peter E. Abresch -- BookMarc #24

[Elderhostel Mysteries & Fiction Writing Techniques]

BookMarc © #24
Writing/rewriting - part 5 of 6

In BookMarc # 23 we mentioned that for an action scene to work we should show it in POV, pace it for speed, and above all it must be logical. We'll talk more about setups and payoffs in a later BookMarc, but for now, setting up an action scene not only keeps the action flowing, it can also make plausible that which would otherwise be illogical.

If we need a scene where a professional does something amateurish, we can set it up so the reader is ready to accept it when it happens. For instance, it is illogical for the captain of a fishing boat to do something to put himself and his boat in danger. But suppose in chapter four he drops a simple statement that in the heat of the moment, while catching a big fish, the man in the chair will often do something stupid. And maybe in chapter twelve we mention that on rare occasions a captain can get wrapped up the excitement of catching a monster fish and forget about the helm. So now when we develop the scene and in the midst of catching monster fish, the captain does something less than professional, the reader is ready to accept what under normal conditions would see illogical. Also, if we show a weapon early in a novel, when the weapon comes into play in the action scene, the reader will rumble right on w/o the need for us to stop to explain how it got there.

Further, in describing an action scene, it is far more effective if it is done in the character's POV. In POV we are privy to the character's thinking through internal monologue. And if our POV is doing something out of character, we can use IM to explain why. The same with his/her reactions, both a humorous response--man, he could sure use with a bathroom--or a serious one--he didn't know how far up it was to the water's surface, but if he didn't break out soon, his heart would burst. By bringing the reader along with the character we allow them to experience what is taking place.

Finally, in writing action scenes, we have to worry about pace. Generally speaking, long sentences drag the action out, short sentences, or short clauses, speed it up. Also, what we are trying to do here is carry the reader along, not write perfect sentences. One word might be all that necessary. Charge. If the action scene goes on too long, we might want to take a breather--a running man stops to lean against a tree to keep from collapsing--and in so doing we can build action scenes on top of action scenes, each one more stressful than the last, until we get to the grand finale. One other thing about pacing. Some writers will drag out a scene to build suspense, but if we drag it out too long, suspense gives way to frustration. Any time a device becomes obvious, it becomes intrusive, yanking our readers out of story present.

So let's break down a short, made up example to give us an idea of how it's done. The scene takes place between the POV Harry, his girlfriend Karen, and bad guy named Stagman.

     The cry of a lone gull competed with the crash of the waves flashing in the sun, and the wind whistling unfettered across the deserted beach, carrying with it the chilled taste of sea salt.
     Harry and Karen stood on one side of an imaginary line in the sand, Stagman on the other, the killer's blue eyes as steady as the forty-five in his right hand. He wiggled the fingers of the left hand.
     "I'll take the diamond now."
     Harry shrugged and reached into his pocket
     What he was about to do could get him killed. But there was no other way to give Karen a chance to run. And he doubted his longevity would be part of Stagman's concern in any case.
     He pulled out the diamond, half as big as his fist.
     His only hope was that Stagman was as much of an amateur as he, except, of course, for the gun in his hand.
     He lobbed the diamond high and wide to the man's right, and it twirled in the air, the sun popping off its many facets like Chinese fireworks.
     And Stagman suckered for it.
     Left hand reaching across his body for the catch.
     Blue eyes following it all the way.
     And Harry charged in right behind.
     Head down. Arms out. Body low. Ramming into Stagman's gut with a grunt. Wrapping him up and ploughing on. Legs churning. Driving him. A fullback bulldozing his way to a first down.
     But the sonofabitch refused to cave.
     Then the world crashed down on the back of Harry's head and turned the day into night.

Okay, lets see what we were trying to accomplish. We meaning me.

First I was trying establish that the three were alone and using the beach to give a sense of isolation. Characters don't operate in a vacuum. Next I wanted the wiggling of the fingers for a little body language to reinforce the dialogue, but also to reinforce the idea that the gun was in his right hand.

Then Harry's action, of shrugging and reaching into his pocket, sets us up for what he's thinking in the next paragraph. This juxtaposition makes it clear who the interior monologue belongs to. W/o that it would be ambiguous and disrupt the flow. It also gives us a reason why Harry might be acting out of character, because he suspects the guy will kill him anyway.

Then there is the diamond twirling in the air. Okay, okay, a diamond half as big as his fist and the sun popping off its facets might be a bit much in retrospect, but I wanted the reader to flash on it and set up the 'Stagman suckered for it' line. Don't know it that's a real verb, but is there any down about what I meant?

And after that I just wanted things to go fast. Short sentences. Short clauses. Action verbs. Not worrying about grammar here, just bam, bam, bam.

Does it work? You have to be the judge. Oh, and originally I had Harry pitching the diamond, but since that could have been misconstrued, as in throwing a fast ball, I changed it to lobbed. Write so that you cannot possibly be misunderstood.

One other thing before we give up the ghost on this. Notice the crashing of the waves, flashing in the sun, the whistle of the wind, the chilled taste of sea salt, the cry of the lone gull, and Stagman grunting? All of this is an attempt to ground the reader in the scene. We have sight and sound, feel in the chilled wind, and taste and/or smell in the sea salt, using as many of the senses as we can will give our readers verisimilitude, the feeling of actually being there. And the waves flashing in the sun? I needed that to set up twirling diamond.

So there we have it, writing action. We have one more part to complete effective writing in BookMarc 25.

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